I'm gonna have a badass scar
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
