Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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