she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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