Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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