The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
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