i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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