I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
someone owes me an orgasm
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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