Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
