My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
