This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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