you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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