I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize