you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
