He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
