I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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