I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
