My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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