Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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