fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
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Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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