She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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