Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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