Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
