I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
