I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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