i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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