i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
