my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
