Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
