Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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