Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
