i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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