i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
