Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
