I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
