So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
