And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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