I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
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So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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