Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
