Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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