wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
