I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
