I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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