so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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