When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
