OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
