I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
