Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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