Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
