Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
