Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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