apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
