Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
