Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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