Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
