I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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